time to smoke my breakfast
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
