broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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