Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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