Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
