You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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