Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
