I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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