Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
