i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
