We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
