Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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