it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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