I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
