Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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