The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Randomize
