Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
