I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
