I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
