dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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