If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Ketchup is God's man juice
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
