Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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