Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
