yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
