hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
How drunk are you?
Completed.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
