holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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