Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
