Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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