I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I think people are normalizing furries
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