i need an iv and a liver transplant
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
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