My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
