y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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