this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
