he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
