Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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