Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
