I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
