I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
