When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
