my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
