soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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