I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Randomize
