All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
