Swine flu. Run for my life!
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
