I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
