when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
