dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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