we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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