Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
