508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
