You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
