Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
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